In another move billed as a massive triumph for the Trump administration, Governor Gregg Abbott of Texas has renegotiated his Federal Tax and Medicaid status with Washington bringing millions of tax-payer dollars into the state.
"I told Trump we were in plans to 'off-shore' much of our population, moving the state effectively across the Mexican border. Trump, of course, came to the rescue of many average Americans by promising almost 17 billion dollars in funding for Texan interests! At that point, I have to say I was persuaded--we won't be considering an off-shoring strategy until at least late 2018."
When asked about the negotiations, Abbott elaborated:
"Trump is, of course, a master negotiator. I had to remind him how the people of Texas loved him, had supported him in the election, and were substantial fans of his TV shows and hotel properties! I could hear someone--a woman--probably Kellyanne Conway--shouting in the background that he could never pay for all of this with his pledge to cut taxes so I had to bring up the Federal Government threat--"
The 'Federal Government Threat' to which Abbott referred was the 2015 Jade Helm exercise that Abbott maintains was an attempted invasion of the state. "We had to call out the National Guard and everything to defend ourselves," Abbott told the press. "The place was crawling with special operators and everyone knows that Obama has never actually planned to leave office peacefully.
Sources inside the White House informed us that after receiving Governor Abbott's warning, Donald Trump phoned trusted advisor Alex Jones of Info Wars and was told that, yes, Jade Helm was in fact a trial balloon for the installation of martial law over much of America--starting in Texas.
At that point, our source said, he basically crumbled. "Texas is a big, red state." He was quoted as saying. "They need lots of help from the Federal Government and they haven't said nasty, horrible, untrue things about me--like, say, Massachusetts has."
Abbott concluded the press conference by declaring that while he would not be off-shoring the state of Texas itself, he would be instructing law enforcement to "off shore" anyone appearing to be of Mexican heritage during the next four years.
"We think the economic incentives for this policy are clear," he said. "This policy will help us raise revenue from the top 1% investors in commodities who live in gated communities." He noted that there would be "exceptions" for well behaved gardeners, maids, and nannies available for small campaign donations.