Tonight Donald Trump will take the state in Michigan where Speaker Paul Ryan is fighting a difficult race to retain his position. The Speaker, who refused to endorse Mr. Trump, saying he was "not there yet" has begged for Trump's endorsement in recent days.
Today, we have learned he has done more than that. The GOP Establishment's treachery knows literally no bounds--we have learned of a plan to use a envenomed flag-pin to get close enough to poison Mr. Trump. Ryan, armed with the only antidote known to the exotic neuro-toxin would then be able to force Mr. Trump to endorse him and McCain and, allegedly, sign on to Rubio's Gang-of-Eight Amnesty bill.
A highly placed source told us that Ryan, bypassing security by wearing the deadly toxin next to his skin was unafraid as the toxin would not be detectable to dogs or sensors and the Speaker counted on his own incredible physique to save him in the case of a mishap.
"He does P90X--it's, like--all he talks about--how ripped he is. What a slob everyone else is. I watched him crush an intern's fingers to fragments with one handshake. When you're holding a meeting with him he's always doing one armed push-ups or this pull-up type-writer thing where he goes back and forth on a special bar in the office. Yeah--he thinks he's invincible."
Other sources confirmed that Speaker Ryan believed his incredibly toned body would allow him to triumph over the less athletic Donald Trump.
"If he gets in a fist fight," our other source said, "he thinks he'll destroy Trump--it's all he talks about now. He has this heavy-bag he's beaten to ribbons. He keeps calling it 'Donald' and punching and kicking it. We know he's part of an underground DC fight circuit out at Crystal City. He wants to take on Trump but we keep telling him the guy's out of his weight-class. I dunno. Yeah--he's been experimenting with some weird poisons and stuff too. A bunch of supplements. Some Russian steroids. He wanted to get Ebola to make himself immune and then he talked about some kind of 'Blood Bomb' in House. I dunno--guy is pretty out there."
The plan we reviewed involved Ryan bypassing Secret Service agents and coming on stage for a 'handshake' at which point he would move in for a 'Bro-Hug' that would terminate in Mr. Trump being stuck by the pin and poisoned. We've alerted the Trump campaign but we're asking any of our readers: If Speaker Ryan is anywhere near the auditorium tonight do not let him near the stage. Even if it means your own lives--and it most certianly will--you must keep him away from The Donald.